my comfort song, what's yours?

I've been depressed for so long now because of all the school works and the pressure from it. Really, BIG TIME! Whenever I can't contain all these things, hate to admit, I just simply cry. Cry all the pain from inside, at least to get rid even just a little of this pain. After I do the crying, there's just one thing I really wanted to do - to listen. Feel the stillness of everything and listen to anything that my ears will hear; the chirping of birds, sound of raindrops dropping from the gutter, the sound of the leaves as they are being blown by wind. Simple things that make me relax, feel a little better. But one thing that never fails to give me the true rest when all troubles seem to overtook me is listening to my comfort songs, Christian songs.

Though there are so many contemporary music that I can really relate to, Christian songs still give a different impact. This is solely because the theme is about God. I am a true believer. I continue to love him because of the blessings He continue to give me; safety of my beloved family and having real friends I can rely on, and I can't imagine my life without Him in my life. I love him. So, everytime I listen to those kinds of songs, I remember God and his promises to His children, to us.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

God keeps on reminding me of this word of His as I play Christian songs. As I listen to it, I find my rest as I have realized that God will always be there to understand and to comfort me. When I feel hopeless, He will make a way where there seems to be no way. He is my hope, my refuge and my strength when all seem to fail. Messages conveyed from these Christian songs are much stronger when you sing it, as if the song becomes your prayer. You praise God through music and talk to Him through your heart. Singing these will unveil what your heart really desires and God will see it. As what the saying goes, "Let your heart do the talking." Whenever I do this, I give everything to God. I let Him take care of everything, everything. This puts me to rest, give me comfort.

Now you know what is one of the things that still keeps me moving, keeping me on my feet on the middle of trouble.

death: are you ready?

I'll tell you a sad story I had experience few months ago.

When I, with my highschool friends, was watching a movie in a mall in Makati, I received a text message coming from my mom. My mood changed from excited to sad and began to get worried. According to my mom, her mother died that morning. My grandmother died. The one who took care of us when we were in our province (Pangasinan). As the movie continues to play, my mind also continues to reminisce the experiences I had in our province, those memories when my grandmother was still alive. I went home immediately after the movie to see my mother. I went to our terrace to find her lying on the floor with my dad (that's where they usually sleep when the climate gets hot). I don't know how to console her. I know she cried a lot from the sound of her voice. Just so you know, each family member of mine isn't showy when it comes to strong emotion as such. Feeling awkward to console, I just asked her when will we go back to our province for her mother's burial. From the conversation we had, I can tell how she 's trying to keep on her feet, trying to look that she's strong.

Even though I had problems with my on-the-job training, my dad and I were still able to go to Pangasinan (my mother immediately went there a day after she heard the news). She was the one who waited for us in the bus terminal in our province. She looked very tired but very happy to see me and my dad. I wasn't talking when we had our way to our grandparent's house where the body of my grandmother laid. It was only dad who kept asking how were things going. If I talk that time, I'll cry, I knew it.

When we reached our grandparents' house, I immediately went to see her. She looked the same when I last saw her, besides the fact that she really wore that very white make up. All seem to be normal (of course except the feeling of loss). Every relative asked me how I was, which is a usual thing for us Filipinos to do when one didn't see another for a long time. Staying there was like filling my heart my memories. Things will never be the same again without my grandmother when I go to that place, which made me really sad. But seeing my relatives, on my mother side, reunite puts a little happiness in my heart. I know my mother missed those people. I was introduced to a lot of relatives, some of which my mother told me took care of me when I was still a toddler. Though felt awkward, I had conversation with these relatives of mine. Each of them has a story to tell about my grandmother which made me miss her more.

When the night fell, a church service was conducted in front of the house. I wanted to see the service but the sermon was spoken in different language. To pay respect for the pastor who was presiding the service and for my grandmother, I 'listened' to his sermon. After this, a band came. My mom told me that the band was included on the burial service they availed. At first, sad songs were played, maybe a little respect for the dead. After few songs, they sang a lot more lively songs. I told myself, this will keep me awake until morning. I planned to stay until morning, a little sacrifice for my grandmother before she will be carried to the cemetery, but I failed. Indeed, a sleepyhead.

Morning came, I felt that the atmosphere was very gloomy. People around me weren't speaking that much. I also felt it, the sadness after realizing that this will be the day that my grandmother will be buried. I took my bath and prepared to walk my grandmother to cemetery with my parents and relatives. The staff from the burial service came, fixing those that should be. I heard one of my aunts scream, crying. I didn't want to go inside the house. I'll cry if I do. I don't want to cry. My uncle also screamed. The emotions inside the house were all so nerve racking., with all the whining. My mother was also inside. She didn't scream. When the staff brought out the coffin, my aunts and uncles, including my mother followed my grandmother. I seldom see my mother cry, compared to my father. But at the moment I saw her there, following my grandma's coffin, she looked like she cried a drum of tears. The picture of that made my heart break, until now. I don't know how is it like to loose a mother but I feel her, at that moment. The pastor from yesterday gave a short message. When he finished his sermon, most people came to my gradma's coffin to see her, a last look. Most people now were crying, my other aunts, cousins, nieces, my grandma's friends and others who were so close to my grandmother. I wore my shades, I am about to cry at the moment. Then the burial director gave her staff a signal to bring the coffin inside the vehicle. My uncle continued to whine for his mother. As soon as the body was inside the vehicle, songs were played, Christian songs. When I heard these songs (I forgot the title, I remembered one, 'Magnificent' by Hillsong), my tears began to make its way in my eyes. It's too early, not now, I told myself. "It will be a long way", my mother said to my dad and to me. "No matter how long the way is, I'll be on your side, mom and grandma" I told myself.

The climate was definitely hot and the way was so long! Yet, I walked with my parents stayed beside the vehicle where my grandma rests. But it was unbearable! The heat! So, all of us decided to ride a tricycle going to the cemetery. I was always beside my mother all the time.

On the cemetery, my aunties asked to remove the lid of the coffin to see my grandmother for the last time. When the staff did, tears began to drop almost from everyone's eyes, but not mine. That's before my mother started to cry again.

It was my first time see her on that state, whining! I never heard my mom whine like that! Damn! Both hands of hers were touching the face of my grandma, as if telling her mother , "I love you! I love you! I love you!" I felt it. I can't help it. I cried, cried like the first hurting I had when I was in highschool. I grabbed her hand, gently taking them off from the face of her mom, as if telling her, "Mom, it's time for you to let go, let go of grandma. I'm here, I won't leave you. I love you!" I gave her a hug. It was my first time to give her a hug like, grabbing her hands and locking her face on mine, telling her that I won't leave her that I will stay by her side no matter what. Hugging my mother made me asked my self, if she would die, will I be ready?

NO! I know I can't! Thinking of that makes my heart break into pieces. I love my mom, my dad, my sisters! I'm not ready! No one will. All I know is that when that time comes, I'll cry cry and cry! As time goes by, little by little, I will have to accept the loss in able for me to move on with my life. When that day comes, I'll kling to God. Nothing is permanent in this world aside from God's love (Psalm 136:26),

Continue to show your love to all people you value, especially to your family. So that when God is taking that important person of yours back, pain will be less and you have nothing to regret. Always remember, everything has its purpose, even death. Always remember John 3:16.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF FELIPA SEMBRAN MENDOZA

miss this!

it's been a while since I posted a blog, and I miss this! please watch out for my newest entry, coming in a few more days. LOL